at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
