I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
