Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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