did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
