We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
