he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
