Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
