Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
