um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
