I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
