Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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