so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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