How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
