did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
