and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
