Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
