my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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