woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
