I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
