i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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