Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
