saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
