I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
