When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
