So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
