im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
