she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
