Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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