The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
