is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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