i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
