to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
