You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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