I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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