A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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