yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
