Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
