when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
