Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
COCAINE IS GR8
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