First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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