Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
