Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
