is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
