While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
