I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
