Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
