when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
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