oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
