Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
