Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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